Mall Marauders!
by Baron Von Halfsmurfen
Summary: The Marauders get transported, via a certain swirling vortex, into a present day mall. Hilarity ensues. Watch for Hyper!Sirius. A tad cliche, but I was hyper. -Finished!-
1. A Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom

Title: Mall Marauders!

By: Baron Von Halfsmurfen

****

Disclaimer: I do not own anything used in this story, except the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom. The mall in which this is set is a local mall, but you probably didn't need to know that. It should also be noted that I was drinking mass amounts of caffeine as I wrote this. Read at your own risk. 

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James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter are sitting around by the lake. Suddenly, a Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom appears next to them. No one else seems to notice.

Sirius: Hey, James, isn't that a Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom? (points)

James: (looks up from his doodling) Yep, it sure is. 

__

The other two look up at the Vortex as well.

Sirius: (evil grin) You thinking what I'm thinking?

Remus: (shakes head) No, Padfoot. You've already thrown three Slytherins in the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom. One more and I might have to give you detention.

Sirius: I wasn't talking about that, Moony. What if we threw _ourselves _in?

Remus, James, Peter: WHAT?

Sirius: Well, what can it hurt? The Slytherins have always turned back up -

James: - months later -

Remus: - traumatised beyond belief - 

Peter: - ending up spending a year at St. Mungo's.

Sirius: Oh, come on! That only happened once!

James: I guess it couldn't hurt to try....

__

Sirius and James get up and advance to the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom. Remus shakes his head exasperatedly.

Remus: (standing up and pulling Peter along) C'mon Peter, we'd better follow. Goodness knows what'll happen if we left those two to their own devices....

__

The four jump into the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom. After quite a bit of swirling, the four land in a heap on a large slab of pavement.

James: (looking around) I don't think we're at Hogwarts anymore...

Sirius: (watching cars drive on the right side of the road) I don't think we're in England anymore...

Remus: (looking more closely at the cars) I don't think we're in 1976 anymore...

Peter: Then where are we?

Sirius: Good point, Wormtail. (stands up and walks towards the large building behind them) It says here we're at the...Monroeville Mall.

James: (also standing up) Mall? Isn't that one of those places where Muggles go to buy things?

Remus: I think it is.

__

James looks around for a door into the mall. He sees one and starts to walk towards it.

Sirius: (following James) We're going to go in there?

James: Sirius, it's your fault we're here, so we better make the best of it.

__

Remus and Peter follow. The four now walk into the mall. All four gape for a moment.

Remus: Well, what are we going to do now?

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The other three shrug and look around.

James: Hey! (he takes a few steps, bends over and picks something up)

Sirius: (looking over James's shoulder) It's a wallet!

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James opens the wallet ad looks inside.

James: There seems to be quite a bit of money here.... (he throws it to Remus) Here. You're the only one of us who takes Muggle Studies. Tell us how much is in there.

__

Remus examines the money.

Remus: I've never seen this kind of money before. (he begins to count it) There's a twenty, a ten, another twenty and some ones.

Sirius: That's at least fifty...er...fifty money-things!

Peter: And we can spend it on whatever we like!

__

Remus looks a bit concerned at this but nods along with James and Sirius.

James: Well, we can't spend these money-things by just standing here...unless that's something Muggles do....(he looks questioningly at Remus)

Remus: (exasperated sigh) No, James. Muggles do not pay to stand around; in fact a lot of them complain about doing just that.

__

The four begin to walk, passing several shops and staring into the windows. People don't seem to think that there is anything out of the ordinary about four teenage boys wearing long black robes and very '70s haircuts. 

Random Old Guy: (grunts as he watches the four walk past) Must be some new fad...damn crazy punks.

Sirius: Remus, what's a punk?

Remus: Dunno.

Peter. Maybe it's a Muggle word for a wizard!

James: Don't be silly, Wormtail, they hardly know we exist!

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The group pass a candy store and Sirius stops suddenly, causing Remus to walk into him.

Remus: Hey!

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Sirius stares, transfixed by all the candy.

Sirius: Can we, James? Please?

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James agrees and Sirius bolts in, piling his arms full of sugary things.

Remus: Sirius! Calm down! (he reaches for one of the little bags) Put those in here.

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Sirius does so. He fills up about four bags and runs to the counter. The cashier, who has been watching all this, looks at the four in a very odd manner.

James: (pulls out wallet) Hello... (reads the cashier's name tag and smiles) Hello, Wendy!

Wendy the Cashier: Uh, hi. (Wendy the Cashier proceeds to ring up all of Sirius's candy) That'll be $12.50

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The four crowd around the wallet, bickering.

James: The one that says twenty, Sirius!

Sirius: No! It's the one that says one!

Peter: No! It's the ten!

__

Remus yanks the wallet away from the three and counts out thirteen dollars.

Remus: (handing the bills to Wendy the Cashier) There you are ma'am.

__

Wendy the Cashier starts to take out the extra fifty cents, but the four are already down the hall.

Sirius: (giving everyone a bag of candy) There. (he finds a bench and sits down, ripping open the bag and eating as much as he can)

__

The other three seat themselves around Sirius and watch as he steadily gets hyper.

Sirius: (quite hyper) Hey Remus! You don't want that candy! (snatches Remus's candy and downs half of it, throwing the rest back)

Remus: Sirius! (hides his candy)

Sirius: (laughs manically) C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! Let's do something!

James: I actually agree with him. We should find something to - 

__

James is cut off by Sirius, who is now running at full speed towards the Mr. Rogers Playland. James, Remus and Peter follow.

Sirius: (climbing up one of the little tower things and sliding down the slide) WHEE! COME ON JAMES! This Muggle -

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Remus slaps his hand over Sirius's mouth.

The four turn and notice a store across from the Mr. Rogers Playland. It looks dark inside and there is a lot of noise which might be music coming from it. Several teenagers come out of it, all wearing equally dark clothes. Sirius jumps over the low wall of the Playland and runs up to the teens.

Sirius: HI!

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The teens stare and a few laugh. Sirius notices that they are all girls and tries to "put the moves" on them. Fortunately, he is too hyper to do this properly.

Random Hot Topic Girl: Who are you, anyway?

Sirius: I'm Sirius! (tries to wink, but just looks like he has something in his eye)

__

James, Peter and Remus catch up with Sirius and take him hurriedly by the arms into the store. It is, in fact, dark and loud. Sirius seems to be enjoying himself, though.

Sirius: (holding up a shirt) This one says, 'Dorks Are Hot'! Hey, Remus, maybe that means you'll get a girlfriend!

__

Remus hits him. James, meanwhile, is looking at a pair of very baggy pants.

James: I think there's something wrong with these pants....They're too big at the bottom!

Remus: (laughs at James then goes to examine the CD listening station. He picks up a CD) What's this?

James: Dunno, Moony. (picks up headphones and somehow manages to realise that you put them on your head. He does so.) What now?

Hot Topic Salesguy: You press this, (presses the CD selection button) then this, (presses Play).

__

James is now listening to something very fast, very loud and almost inaudible. James is listening to Probot.

James: (throws off headphones) Agh! What was that!

__

Sirius, Remus and Peter come over to investigate.

Sirius: (puts headphones to his ears and winces) I think it's supposed to be music, Prongs.

__

James looks startled at this news.

Remus: You know, it's not our time, maybe people think it's really good music.

Sirius: I have my doubts.

__

Meanwhile, the Hot Topic Salesguy is watching the four from the counter.

Hot Topic Salesguy: Are you gonna _buy _anything or what?

Sirius: Um...(looks around at the rack of shirts behind him and picks one up) Yes. I'm going to buy this! 

__

Sirius holds the shirt up to his chest, it reads, "Kiss Me, I'm A Pirate".

James: (stifling laughter) Sirius...a pirate?

Remus: Well, marauder is another term for a pirate, James.

James: Did you eat a dictionary this morning, Moony?

Remus: No, I'm always this smart. (satisfied smile)

__

Sirius walks up to the counter with his shirt. Remus runs in front of him and pulls him back to the group.

Sirius: Remus! I want to buy this shirt!

Remus: You can't.

James and Sirius: Why not?

Remus: Because if you buy that shirt and bring with back with you, people are going to ask where you got it.

Sirius: I'll say I bought it over the summer.

Remus: Sirius, that's a Muggle shirt. People are going to ask why a Pureblood like you has a Muggle shirt. 

James: Sirius, Remus is right. There would be too many questions.

Sirius: When did you all start being so obedient? James, I thought the risk would be more fun!

James: It would, but, well...you did make us go through the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom.

Sirius: (throws shirt back on the rack) Fine. I'll just make my _own _pirate shirt when we get back.

__

The four walk out of the store and down the corridor. Remus pauses for a moment.

James: What's wrong, Moony?

Remus: How _are _we going to get back?

Sirius: (thinks for a moment) Maybe the Vortex will just pop back up.

Remus: But when? And where? 

James: Hmm...wish I could tell ya.

Peter: Time turner?

Sirius: No, that would take too long. And plus, we don't have one.

James: Portkey?

Remus: It might take us back to Hogwarts, but it would still be in whatever year this is.

Sirius: But maybe if we go back there, they can help us get back.

James: Of all the things they teach us at Hogwarts, why don't they tell us how to use a Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom?


	2. Some Things Are Best Kept Secret

Mall Marauders!

By: Baron Von Halfsmurfen

Author's Note: Thank you, thank you, all my wonderful reviewers! Now on with the story!

Disclaimer: I still don't own anything...

****

Chapter Two: Some Things Are Best Kept Secret...

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The four are walking down the corridor of the mall, Remus still trying to figure out how they are going to get back. He turns to ask James what he thinks, and discovers that they are not there. He looks around for them, but to no avail.

Remus: Hope they didn't find a way home without me....(stops by nearest store) Maybe they went in there....

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Remus enters the store, called Victoria's Secret, and immediately knows he should turn around. The store is filled with many frilly...things and smells like bad perfume. Before he can make it back out the door, a saleswoman accosts him.

Saleswoman: Hello, sir! Looking for something for your girlfriend?

Remus: No, I don't have -

Saleswoman: (holding up a frilly...thing) We have a sale on these today!

Remus: No, really, I -

Saleswoman: (holds up perfume) A free bottle of perfume with every purchase of fifty dollars or more! Here, smell! (sprays bottle)

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The perfume is not enticing in any way. Remus coughs and tries to side-step the obviously deranged saleswoman.

Remus: Look, I really have to g-

Saleswoman: Well, have a nice day and thank you for shopping at Victoria's Secret!

Remus: (pauses on his way out the door) What is Victoria's secret, anyway?

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Saleswoman leans over and whispers in Remus's ear. Remus looks either ill or disgusted. He claps his hand over his mouth.

Remus: I think I might be sick.... (rushes out the door and hurries far, far away from that store)

***

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Meanwhile, James, Sirius, and Peter are looking for Remus. They turn up at a store with two large display windows. The windows are filled with comical cartoon characters.

James: Let's try in here.

Sirius: Eh...something tells me Remus wouldn't go in there. 

James: We might as well try, though. 

__

The three walk into the store, titled the Disney Store. It is loud with the screams of small children and something that is playing on a very large screen. It is also littered with pink things.

Sirius: (almost being run over by a horde of children) What kind of place is this?

James: I don't know, but Remus sure isn't in it. We're like the tallest people here!

__

Peter looks appropriately frightened and is trying to edge out the door. James and Sirius start to join him, until they too are accosted by a salesman - he acts a lot like the Dell dude. I hate that guy.

Salesman: (dripping with overly cheery-ness) Hey, dudes! Welcome to the Disney Store! Looking for anything in particular?

James: No...we hate this place.

Salesman: Aww, now you can't hate the Disney Store!

Sirius: Yes, we can. 

Salesman: No, you can't.

Sirius: Yes, we can. And we do. (turns to leave)

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The door is blocked by several weary-looking women, each with a child in a stroller and a child running about them. 

James: Damn.

Salesman: Hey, man! No swearing in the Disney Store! 

Peter: Shut up, will you?

Salesman: No can do, bro! 

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The women and their children have ceased blocking the door. James, Sirius, and Peter make a run for it, escaping the overly-cheery salesman...thankfully.

James: Never...never again....

Sirius: No. Never.

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Peter is merely shaking his head in shock. Suddenly, they are run into by another person. It is Remus, still on the run from the Victoria's Secret saleswoman.

Remus: There you are! You guys have to hide me!

James: Why, Moony? 

Sirius: You didn't go in...there, did you? (points to the Disney Store facade)

Remus: (looks at store and grimaces) No! I went to this place called...Victoria's Secret. It was all...frilly. (sits down exasperatedly)

__

The rest of the group joins Remus.

James: Yeah, well, we had to go to that Disney place. We were attacked by- 

Sirius: - little kids -

Peter: - pink -

James: - and a crazy salesman. 

Sirius: (nods) He tried to be cool.

James: So what is Victoria's Secret?

Remus: (looks ill again) You don't want to know....

*****

A/N: Don't worry! The Marauders will find their way home, probably in the next chapter. I just like toying around with them! ::evil grin::


	3. The Return of the Vortex

Mall Marauders!

By: Baron Von Halfsmurfen

Author's Note: I apologise ahead of time for all the giggling involved in this chapter. 

****

Disclaimer: Nothing do I own, excepting the GSVoID. 

***

Chapter Three: The Return of The Vortex

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The Marauders head down the corridor of the mall, near the entrance where they came in. James is still pestering Remus about the contents of Victoria's Secret; Sirius is beginning to feel the after-results of his sugar high; Peter is merely tagging along.

James: Come on, Remus! I just want to know what's in the place!

Remus: (shaking head) And I told you, James, it's nothing you'd be interested in. (pause) Come to think of it, you probably _would _be interested in it. Which is precisely why I'm not telling you anything.

__

James makes a frustrated face at Remus and catches up with Sirius, who has somehow taken the lead. 

Sirius: (sounding tired) Hey, James.

James: What's wrong, Padfoot?

Sirius: Hyper...draining...sleep...needed....

James: Why don't we sit down outside then?

Remus: You know, that's a good idea. I'd like a bit of fresh air myself.

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The four exit the mall and sit on the curb. 

Peter: Maybe since we came back out here, the swirly thing will come back!

Sirius: (looks towards Peter, amazed) You might have a point there, Wormtail!

James: Well, it had better come soon. This place is getting boring.

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The other three nod in agreement. After the brief nodding spell, they lapse back into silence. During this, four giggling teenage girls walk past them, all pausing for a moment in front of the boys. They are dressed in jeans and t-shirts - Abercrombie & Fitch style.

Giggling Teenage Girl 1: (giggle) Hi! (more giggling)

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The boys look up at the girls questioningly.

Giggling Teenage Girl 2: Are you guys Goths?

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Sirius looks to James, brow raised, and mouths 'Goths?'

James: We don't know what a Goth is.

Giggling Teenage Girl 1: Like, do you shop at Hot Topic?

Giggling Teenage Girl 3: (nudges Girl 1 in the ribs) I shop at Hot Topic!

Giggling Teenage Girl 1: Oh, Jazmyne, you only go there because you lack self-esteem and think that in order to gain more attention from the opposite sex, you should wear lots of black and t-shirts from bands you've never heard of. It's a sociological problem.

__

The other three girls look at her in amazement. 

Giggling Teenage Girl 2: Where did you learn all those big words? Have you been actually paying attention in class?

Giggling Teenage Girl 1: (giggle) I don't know what I just said, but eww, I must be sitting too close to the nerds or something.

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A chorus of 'eww' springs from the four obviously dimwitted girls.

Remus: (crossing his arms) You have something against nerds?

__

Remus is sadly ignored as Sirius speaks up.

Sirius: Hot Topic...that's the loud, dark place, right, James?

James: The one that almost cost me my hearing? Yes.

Giggling Teenage Girl 2: Oh. My. God. Did you hear their accents? They're like SO cute! (giggle)

Giggling Teenage Girl 4: I LOVE British accents! Orli has the best one!

Giggling Teenage Girl 1: That's not British, Chelsie. 

Chelsie: Whatever! He's still SO hot! (giggle)

__

The girls continue to giggle and oogle over the Marauders. Sirius once again tries to "put the moves" on them, but his lack of energy causes him to give up. 

Remus: (stands up) I'm taking a walk. 

Peter: I think I'll follow you. These girls are scaring me. (stands)

Remus: I think I would have had a better time with those other girls we saw.

Peter: The ones in the black? (looks over his shoulder, as if comparing the two sets of girls mentally) I do, too. They didn't laugh quite so much.

__

Remus nods and starts to walk with Peter around the corner of the mall. Suddenly, a ripping noise is heard and the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom appears in front of them. Remus stares, then turns back around and races back to James and Sirius, with Peter behind him. 

Sirius: (to the girls) So, anyway, I told him to move it, but -

Remus: (interrupting) James! Sirius! Come on! 

James: (stands) Where?

Sirius: (stands as well) Is it here?

Remus: Yes! (starts running back to the Vortex. James and Sirius follow, too.)

__

As the four arrive back at the place of the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom. They all jump in at the same time, hoping they will return to their own time and place. As luck would have it, they do return to the Hogwarts of 1976. 

Sirius: (now sprawled on the ground) Well, that was fun.

James: (stands up from his place of sprawling and dusts off his robes) I swear, if this Vortex hadn't appeared right when it did, I would have killed those girls.

Remus: I wouldn't have stopped you, either.

__

The three Marauders who are still on the ground get up and look around. It seems that they haven't been gone for long. 

Remus: (to random passing student) Do you know what day it is?

Student: (with furrowed brows) The fifth of April.

Remus: (nods) Nineteen Seventy-six?

Student: (becoming slowly wary of Remus' sanity) Yes.

Remus: Thank you. 

__

The student backs slowly away, and as soon as he's gotten far enough away, breaks into a run.

James: Now, Sirius, have you learned your lesson?

Sirius: What lesson, James?

James: About going through Giant Swirling Vortexes of Imminent Doom.

Sirius: Oh, of course. (clears throat) I learned that Giant Swirling Vortexes of Imminent Doom, and the travel they induce, should be not be used for leisure, but rather a way to rid yourself of nasty people you don't like. (pause) Or something like that.

James: And...?

Sirius: And I'm not allowed to ever suggest we travel through said Vortex again.

Remus: I thought the lesson was that time travel is silly and unpredictable.

James: Not necessarily, Remus. Time travel is quite useful in the right situation.

__

James and Remus continue to debate the effects of time travel long into the night. As they all settle into bed, Sirius speaks up again.

Sirius: Hey, you guys...?

James: Mmmph...what Sirius?

Sirius: You reckon if we threw Snape through the Vortex tomorrow anyone would notice?

__

The other three groan.

Remus: Go to sleep, Sirius.

Sirius: A man can dream, can't he?

Remus: No, Sirius. A man can't dream at all. Now go to sleep.

__

Sirius finally goes to sleep, though his dreams are mostly all about throwing Snape down the Giant Swirling Vortex of Imminent Doom and getting eaten by those weird preppy girls. 

***

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The author of this story breathes a sigh of relief. Finally, her demented creation is finished. The world can sleep once again. 

But suddenly, the evil white plot bunny of Cair Banorg leaps onto the author's head and fills it with one of its evil creations.

The author screams into the night.

"A SEQUEL? NOOOO!"


End file.
